By now, you have probably heard that the world is going to end on the 21st of this month (this is December, 2012, for those of you not paying attention or still using the Farah Fawcett calendar you got in 7th grade). The reason this is said to be the last month of history is because the Mayans—who were so smart they could accurately predict the weather*–made a calendar that accurately kept time right up until it runs out on the 21st of this month.
How hard is it to make a calendar? One square equals one day, right? Doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, does it?
So, anyway, the Mayan calendar apparently predicted days for years in advance. Too bad we can’t do that now, ‘cause then we could buy our calendars in bulk instead of having to wait for that week after Christmas when they’re all half off but the good Star Wars ones are already taken.
In anticipation of this event, the people of France (official motto: “Please don’t invade us”) are closing Pic de Bugarach to all visitors. In case you haven’t heard, Pic de Bugarach is a mountain outside Bugarach (which I hope is pronounced “Booger-rack”) which some people believe to be an alien garage.
No, I don’t mean that it’s a place where you can get your car worked on by illegal immigrants. Some people believe there are extraterrestrials living in the mountain—and have been for years, having landed there eons ago and just waiting around, playing backgammon, drawing on the walls, etc.—and those aliens will burst forth from the mountain on December 21, 2012, (being France, though, their calendar is probably in Celsius so who knows what day that is here?) and either destroy the world or enslave the population. Or, maybe they are waiting for that day to take off to go back to where they came from. The French are shutting down the mountain to outsiders because some people hope that when the aliens leave, they’ll take some people with them and the French want to make sure they are the ones who get taken—preferably to a place where they won’t have to deal with Americans anymore.
Also in anticipation of the end of the world, several cruise lines are offering “End of the World” Cruises (I’m not making this up), which will take you to famous sacred sites like the ancient Mayan temples on the Yucatan, near the great pyramids of Egypt, up the Amazon River, or just to Larry King’s house. No word on whether you have to pay in advance for the privilege to see the world end from a lido deck.
The thing is—and I have asked this question of everyone in this room and no one seems to have a definitive answer—just because the Mayan calendar ends … so what? Maybe they were just planning on getting another one after Christmas, or maybe we’re just supposed to flip it over and start from the beginning. Or maybe they were just planning on being somewhere else before Obamacare kicks in.
I’m just not convinced that the world is ending this month. But just in case it does, I resolve to spend the rest of this month not worrying a bit about my cholesterol.