I’m sure we all love how helpful the magazines are at this time of year as they run articles telling us “How to Have the Perfect Beach Body” for this summer. It’s such a comfort to know that they care that much about us, that they will go out of their way to tell us what we can do to make our summer better. They didn’t have to, of course, it’s all done from the warmth of their heart(s).
For instance, they are convinced that we want to know how to have a “Smokin’ Hot Bikini Bod In Just 6 Weeks”. Of course we do. So we pick up the magazine and read the article and, wow!, it’s all so simple. Why, I can eat whatever I want, just so long as I “don’t overeat” and do the right exercises. In case the written instructions on how to do the exercises are a little confusing, they have kindly provided pictures of a model performing the exercises.
And you can tell the exercises work just by looking at the pictures! Why, just look at that model. She fits perfectly into her bikini (or, possibly, undersized necktie—it’s hard to tell), so it must mean the exercises and the diet plan work! They wouldn’t, for instance, be allowed to print an article like this and accompany it with pictures of models who were born looking like that.
Just as we know the models on the clear skin commercials must really use the product because look how clear their skin is! No way a nice, respectable ad agency went out and found people who had never had a blemish within eight feet of them before. That just wouldn’t be right!
Now that we’re on the way to fitting as perfectly into our swimwear as those models—some of whom are men who were probably 400 pound couch dwellers before starting on the exercises in the article—it’s time to think about the right swimsuit for you, personally. You’re probably thinking that a nice, conservative swimsuit that covers your innumerable flaws would be a good idea, but that’s because you haven’t read the article elsewhere in the magazine about self esteem.
No, what you need to do if you’re going to pick out the right swimsuit is look over the swimwear that was recently paraded aroundSao Paulo,Brazil, and the International Swimsuit Show which took place there recently. Just Google it and—whoops! The parental filter on your computer won’t let you see those swimsuits, will it?
But that’s OK! because our handy little magazine we started this article with will fill in all the details without resorting to any pictures you couldn’t show off in church (providing you attend one of those wild, California style churches where they occasionally have a giant wedding for an odd number of participants). The magazine says this year’s swimsuits are “playful”, “flirty” and the wearers “aren’t afraid to show a little skin”.
See, doesn’t that clear it all up for you? And here you were thinking that the qualities to look for in a swimsuit were “resentful, reserved” and that the wearers should be “ashamed of their own bodies.” Thank goodness we have the publishing industry to help us out here!
Next week (if I remember): where to go for summer fun!