According to legend, it was a man named Earl who invented the hamburger. Or, possibly, the sandwich. Living in a cave (or, maybe a castle), he was tired of getting the sauce from the meat all over his hands. He first thought of wrapping the meat in an old towel, but his wife was always buying those super-absorbent ones which are terribly hard to digest.
After many years of studying over the problem in the evenings, after spending his days at his job of standing on the corner and waving at passers-by, it finally came to him that if he were to put the meat between two pieces of BREAD, not only would it keep his hands clean, it might also give his intestines time to digest all that terry cloth he had swallowed.
Thus, the hamburger—or, as it’s known in Germany, “the sandwich”—was invented.
And things went along pretty smoothly for a while. For the longest time, people were satisfied with just having their meat between two pieces of bread (or, wrapped up in a single piece, if there wasn’t enough bread to go around—thus inventing the “burrito” or, as it’s called in Spanish, some Spanish word), but then someone discovered mustard. Mustard, of course, is from the French’s word meaning “yellow as the sun” or, alternatively, “doesn’t wash out of clothes”.
After that, all heck broke loose and people started coming to the completely unwarranted (and likely paganistic) idea that pretty much anything could be put between those two pieces of bread: pickles, ketchup, relish and, in some part of the world, old issues of TV Guide.
Admittedly, not all of the additions were bad and some of them were even so downright tasty as to have been divinely inspired, such as guacamole. Soon, entire businesses were springing up based solely on the practice of finding new things to put between pieces of bread. Before you knew it, you had your Subways, your McDonalds, your Dairy Queens, your Dairy Kings, your Dairy Freezes, your Tastee Freezes, and your Aamcos. People were throwing chili peppers and fried onions and all sorts of INGREDIENTS on hamburgers and sandwiches and the world was doing pretty good.
But then, someone got the idea to take it one step further and, instead of mixing ingredients, mix entrées! Let me say, emphatically and without fear of reprisal because I almost never check my email address, that french fries are NOT an ingredient, they are a separate dish, and do NOT belong on the hamburger.
This is probably why communism is back on the rise. Americans have gotten so lazy that not only will we not take certain jobs anymore, we’re apparently too indolent to have to reach to multiple parts of a plate and must be served our meat and potatoes in one mush-mouthed serving.
One of my greatest fears—aside from the fact that the President took away my health insurance—is that the next logical step is to just shove the hamburger and fries into the blender with the chocolate shake and serve it all in a single cup.