I don’t have a sweet tooth. I have sweet teeth. I like almost all forms of sugar and couldn’t care a whit about all those posts on Facebook about how sugar is killing us! [noise of slump as I collapse on the keyboard … just kidding!]
Without sugar, what would life be? Would it be worth living?
Well, yes. Of course it would. And, I am confident that, if circumstances were to take place that kept me from ever having sugar again, I could make it. I might cry and whimper a lot, but I’d make it. I might stand and look longingly through the window of the local chocolate shop like a dog outside a kibble factory or my father outside the hardware store, but I’d make it. I may spend part of every day praying that that never happens to me, but I’d make it.
One of my favorite candies is (are?) “Smarties”. You remember those? They come in a little plastic wrap of 18 disks that have the consistency of bicarb and the flavor of sweet and sour heaven. They are multi-colored, but—as far as I can tell—the various colors do not indicate different flavors.
I think. I’m one of those OCD people who eat multi-colored candies by color. i.e. all the yellows, then all the purples, then … etc. And, sometimes, I’ve gotten the sense that the colors might be different flavored. I expressed this opinion once on Twitter and was assailed with unbelievable vitriol. “Of course they AREN’T multi-flavored, you dolt” was one of the nicer Tweets. Why, you’d think I had made some sort of absurd assertion like that the Filet-O-Fish tastes different from the fried apple pie.
BTW (which is internet-speak for “As an Aside”), I knew a guy in high school who, while blindfolded, could tell the different colors of M&Ms by flavor. Considering our drama teacher didn’t really want to spend much time teaching, we had plenty of time to test this young man’s abilities and he never failed.
So anyway, have you ever wondered just what the #$%@ Tootsie Rolls are supposed to be? Don’t get me wrong: I like them. But what are they? They’re not really chocolate. They’re not really taffy. It’s my wife’s theory that someone was trying to create chocolate bubble gum and that was as close as they could get and decided to just sell it anyway rather than throwing their hard work away. I’m glad they did, but WHAT ARE THEY?!?!?
Candy has come a long way since my childhood. Many of the candies we ate as children (Necco wafers, those candy-coated marshmallow eggs at easter, those things that were shaped like peanuts and were supposed to taste like peanut butter but were actually a form of nuclear waste) were actually atrocities. I can’t believe I was so sugar-craved as to try and choke them down … but I did.
I tried to draw the line at the gum that came in baseball cards, though. I can remember opening a pack of baseball cards only to have the gum slide out, hit the sidewalk, and SHATTER like glass. Even as kids, we knew that—from a health standpoint—we would be better off chewing the cards and collecting the gum.
But we still chewed the gum. It might have tasted like motor oil, but it had sugar on it.