You don’t have to go far to find someone lamenting that Americans have a weight problem. Turn on the TV and there will either be a “paid advertisement” for a weight-loss or exercise system (“use our machine and in just six weeks you’ll look as good as Chuck Norris or Christie Brinkley!”) or a news story about the “obesity epidemic”:
“Officials at Southwest Airlines have announced that the ‘flight’ from Oklahoma City to Dallas will now just be a bus ride down I-35 because the planes can no longer lift off with all that weight.”
There is plenty of finger pointing. Some people think it’s because not enough healthy food is available. “If only the people in poor neighborhoods would have more access to kale and chard,” says one prominent person who we often see on TV touting the healthy, back-to-basics lifestyle while she and her two daughters embark on their third multi-million dollar vacation of the month, “Then they would be better off!”
Many scientists who have studied these claims take accep … excep … acc … DISAGREE with the assertion on the grounds that, well, no one, no matter how much money they make, likes kale or chard. In fact, many theologians argue whether chard is either a] a direct example of the curse all mankind received when kicked out of the Garden of Eden or 2] not even an actual food.
The next step in the blame game is to blame the restaurants. It’s because the restaurants serve fatty foods that Americans are getting, well, fatty. This is obviously true in the same way that it’s always the gun’s fault that murder is committed and has nothing to do with the person who pulled the trigger.
This leads to the inevitable “journalistic endeavor” of the guy who eats nothing but fast-food hamburgers for a month, washing them down with milkshakes, and then announces, “Surprise: I’m now fat!” This, of course, leads to another person who eats at the same restaurant for a whole year and then reveals, “I didn’t gain any weight at all!” This is followed by another person who eats at that restaurant for every meal for five years, except that he died of a coronary sometime in the middle of year three but the restaurant never noticed because he had slipped under table 4 and no one at that restaurant has EVER swept under table 4. Finally, another man comes forward with receipts saying he has been eating at that same restaurant for eighty years and even has the receipts to prove it which just goes to show that OCD has been around for at least eighty years.
Maybe it’s because of the hormones injected in the cows we get our milk from. Maybe it’s from the GMO corn we eat. Maybe it’s because people a hundred years ago worked manual labor whereas now we get winded doing the Sudoku puzzle on our Kindle Fire. Maybe it’s the restaurant’s fault and maybe it’s the consumer.
Maybe it’s all of the above. All I know is this: I’m hungry.